Monday, January 13, 2014

1/13/14

I thought I was okay with the fact that my uncle died.  I mean lets be honest since my parents' divorce I haven't really seen or been associated with any of my dad's side of the family.  But all of a sudden scrolling through Facebook I see pictures of him and the sad posts of my aunt and my cousins.  In fact he had been struggling so much with his health, that I know everyone is glad he is out of his misery.  Yet I lay here crying and full of sorrow, feeling much worse than I did when I got the news.  I guess it all feels more real now.  Death scares me because it is truly the end.  No takebacksies.  I will never see him again and despite our dwindled relationship, I think back to my childhood and it makes me miss everything even more.  The fact that I even contacted my father today just goes to show how terrible I feel about this.  My father.  How can things have changed so much.  Our father/daughter relationship has done a 180.  He was my favorite and we did everything together and I truly was a "daddy's girl" (even had the shirt).  But now my hate for him is so strong that I only go to him when I am at my weakest.  To make matters worse I fear that since he is getting older and hasn't always had the best health, that I might lose him forever.  And I am not ready for that.  When did my life get so complicated?  I blame this emotional breakdown on the movie "Stuck in Love".  I have never connected so much with a movie.  I know my life is so much different than that movie, but I related to it so much.  I feel like a less rebellious version of Samantha Bergens.  The way her parent's divorce ruined love for her.  We both lost faith in love and are so guarded; afraid of getting hurt.  Of course I haven't reached my happy ending like the movie did, I've never watched a movie that struck so much emotion in me.  It has to be my new favorite movie, but now I lay here upset and unsure.  Writing it all out helps though.  Even if it is the shittiest writing ever; just my random thoughts ,it makes me feel better.  I can only hope that someday there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.  That I will find my Louis/Logan Lerman.  I know things will never be perfect because I am a realist, but I do hope that someday I can be happier than I am tonight.