Dandelion Seed

I was a dandelion seed dancing with the sky. You were the soil that helped me grow.
I was the sparkle in a child's eyes.  You were fingertips gliding across a banjo.
I was skydiving, mountain climbing, flying.  You were my ankle brace and my sling.

I was Boo. You were Sully.
I was the car that didn't check their blind spot.

I am huddling in a corner, while you are playing with your brand new dolls inside a fancy, new dollhouse.
I am that dog whimpering and gazing into the camera as Sarah McLachlan plays in the background. You are squash, guac, and broccoli served with all the options from the pop machine.
I am red faced, ears spewing steam. You don't know the difference between "their", "they're" and "there".
I am the pail that catches the puddles of tears my mother cries.  You are her tear ducts. A black cloud constantly hovering.  The voice in her head telling her she isn't worth anything.
I am a dandelion seed dancing in the sky. You are the soil that stunted my growth.

I Was Busy Thinking Bout Boys

So i'm at this point in my life where I don't know what I want in terms of a relationship.  I am young, so don't get me wrong, I know I have plenty of time.  My only concern is how uninterested and unsure I have become of all men.  My parents divorce and the way my father handled it definitely plays a role in my pessimistic view of men and relationships.  But most of it seems to come with my own insecurities and my experience in dating.

I have only ever seriously dated one person in my 23 years (sorry Dylan but I don't count our high school "relationship").  I know most people feel some animosity when they get out a relationship with someone and it is a common thing to hear, but I honestly don't know how I got in a relationship with this guy.  I believe it possibly stemmed from my insecurity and the fact that somebody was showing interest in wanting to be my boyfriend for the first time in my life.  At that time in my life I was feeling extra low self-confidence.  I had moved across the country; away from my friends and family and hadn't really found a place I really fit in.  I wasn't unhappy by any means, but something was missing. 

I was already sexually active at this point and had already experienced the heartache of believing many of the guys who told me they wanted more than just sex...and then proceeded to contradict themselves.  I had gotten my hopes up several times before I met my boyfriend so when I stumbled upon this average looking guy who was a little bit sketchy (yes he had a criminal record), I overlooked his flaws and applauded myself for not being quite as superficial because I was excited that someone was interested in me. ME.

Cut to the end of this 6 month relationship I found that I wasn't okay that he smoked weed constantly, he had a poor work ethic and even got fired from his job, not to mention I found out he had been messaging other girls behind my back and had swapped nudes with a girl we both worked with.  Only a few months in I realized I wasn't all that sexually attracted to him.  He was grabby, waking me up in the middle of the night by trying to touch me or hump me, and he made me feel bad when I didn't want to have sex with him...which resulted in me not want to have sex with him ever. To top it all off he stole my Ipod and messaged a guy asking him for nudes on my behalf. 

This guy was a horrible example of a first relationship...or maybe the best, because I got to see so many bad qualities about relationships and it formed my negative perspective of love and relationships. It has made me scared to even try to pursue anything in the future. Is there a decent human being out there that could possibly like me for my quirky and clumsy self?  Most of the time I don't think so, but hopefully I am wrong.

This is just the Beginning

I'm really unsure of what to write. I started this "blog" years ago so I could make a list of my favorite hot celebrities and today I am hoping to turn it into a habit that can help me grow as a writer.  I expect to publish absolute personal nonsense that has no real purpose being posted online (but will surely be therapeutic for myself), reviews of TV shows and films I have watched, poems, and sometimes just my opinions. I am making a promise to myself that anything I post here will remain online because no matter how embarrassing my experiences, horrible the writing, or pointless something I have written seems, I want to see my growth not only as a writer but also as a person.

I am at a point in my life where I have graduated with a degree, have moved across the country, and am working at unique jobs until I really know who I am, where I want to be, and what I want to be doing.  Similar to most people in their early twenties I am learning what and who is important to me.  I can be extremely optimistic but also an extreme pessimist and I am working towards being a functioning adult but also love to step back and be a procrastinating, wild child.  

So let's see what I can cook up...

Almost Love

I am heartbroken in a way I have never been before.  I have started to hate myself for having these feelings.  Why am I so hung up on you? You probably don't even care.  In fact, I am certain you don't.

I just want to feel the touch of your skin against mine.  To see that smirk on your face and listen to "Say It" on repeat.  I want to hear you giggle because you are so high you are acting a little strange.  To hear you ask me "who's pussy is it?', because there is never another moment in time that I will find that expression not completely repulsive.

I don't understand how I got so attached.  Was it really that fast?  Maybe it is because I was a virgin before I met you.  But maybe it was just the way I could spend so many consecutive days with you.  Or the way you called me "Mighty Magz".  The fact that we actually talked to each other about our families and our interests.  That you were the first person who I got close enough to to actually think a relationship was possible.  I must be so hung up because I still even now feel like I can't be mad at you.  That you were so nice to me that I don't hate you and I still care.  That you gave me a hug last time I saw you and it broke my heart even more.  That today I picked up the Christmas gift I bought you, but you'll never get.

I want to know if this is what you planned all along.  If you ever really liked me even close to how much I like you.  If you meant it when you texted me you missed me.  If I was only ever sex to you.  Did you mean it when you said I was the only girl you looked at anymore?  Maybe you didn't.  Or maybe that just changed.

But as I think of all of this I think of how stupid I am.  How after you told me no, I self-destructed.  I ran off and had rebound sex.  And then fucked up by doing the dumbest thing possible and having sex with your roommate.  My life has changed so significantly in a matter of weeks and my downward spiral needs to stop.  I need to get myself together.  Forget about you? Never. Get over you? Please. Soon.

I Knew

I knew.
I knew when I caught a glance of you dancing by the bar.
I knew when I grabbed your hand and you fell into me so easily.
I knew when you pressed your lips against mine with the perfect amount of pressure.
I knew when you smiled at me for the first time and ran your hand through your bright red hair.
I knew when you texted me back right away.
I knew when you walked into the malt shop.
I knew when I asked you "would you rather...".

I knew when you kept telling me you were busy.
I knew when you stopped texting me back.
I knew when I came over and it felt like a one night stand.
I knew when you said you were studying but then I ran into you at the bar.
I knew when I asked you to dance and you said no.
I knew when you agreed we needed to talk.
I knew when I sat awkwardly next to you, speechless.
I knew when I left your apartment on the verge of tears.
I knew.

Don't Drink The Kool-aid

You're drinking the Kool-aid
and the Kool-aid is poisoned.

It's not your average poison.
It wont make you feel sick
It wont kill you.
It just changes you.

You're head becomes full of hot air.
You start to blend in with the crowd.
Your friends can't find you.
You start to say and do things
You never did before.

Who are you?
Where did you go?
I'm just a concerned friend
Who really wants to know.

1/13/14

I thought I was okay with the fact that my uncle died.  I mean lets be honest since my parents' divorce I haven't really seen or been associated with any of my dad's side of the family.  But all of a sudden scrolling through Facebook I see pictures of him and the sad posts of my aunt and my cousins.  In fact he had been struggling so much with his health, that I know everyone is glad he is out of his misery.  Yet I lay here crying and full of sorrow, feeling much worse than I did when I got the news.  I guess it all feels more real now.

Death scares me because it is truly the end.  No takebacksies.  I will never see him again and despite our dwindled relationship, I think back to my childhood and it makes me miss everything even more.  The fact that I even contacted my father today just goes to show how terrible I feel about this.  My father.  How can things have changed so much.  Our father/daughter relationship has done a 180.  He was my favorite and we did everything together and I truly was a "daddy's girl" (even had the shirt).  But now my hate for him is so strong that I only go to him when I am at my weakest.  To make matters worse I fear that since he is getting older and hasn't always had the best health, that I might lose him forever.  And I am not ready for that.

When did my life get so complicated?  I blame this emotional breakdown on the movie "Stuck in Love".  I have never connected so much with a movie.  I know my life is so much different than that movie, but I related to it so much.  I feel like a less rebellious version of Samantha Bergens.  The way her parent's divorce ruined love for her.  We both lost faith in love and are so guarded; afraid of getting hurt.  Of course I haven't reached my happy ending like the movie did, I've never watched a movie that struck so much emotion in me. 

Now I lay here upset and unsure.  Writing it all out helps though.  Even if it is the shittiest writing ever; just my random thoughts, it makes me feel better.  I can only hope that someday there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.  That I will find my Louis/Logan Lerman.  I know things will never be perfect because I am a realist, but I do hope that someday I can be happier than I am tonight.