Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Almost Love

I am heartbroken in a way I have never been before.  I have started to hate myself for having these feelings.  Why am I so hung up on you? You probably don't even care.  In fact, I am certain you don't.

I just want to feel the touch of your skin against mine.  To see that smirk on your face and listen to "Say It" on repeat.  I want to hear you giggle because you are so high you are acting a little strange.  To hear you ask me "who's pussy is it?', because there is never another moment in time that I will find that expression not completely repulsive.

I don't understand how I got so attached.  Was it really that fast?  Maybe it is because I was a virgin before I met you.  But maybe it was just the way I could spend so many consecutive days with you.  Or the way you called me "Mighty Magz".  The fact that we actually talked to each other about our families and our interests.  That you were the first person who I got close enough to to actually think a relationship was possible.  I must be so hung up because I still even now feel like I can't be mad at you.  That you were so nice to me that I don't hate you and I still care.  That you gave me a hug last time I saw you and it broke my heart even more.  That today I picked up the Christmas gift I bought you, but you'll never get.

I want to know if this is what you planned all along.  If you ever really liked me even close to how much I like you.  If you meant it when you texted me you missed me.  If I was only ever sex to you.  Did you mean it when you said I was the only girl you looked at anymore?  Maybe you didn't.  Or maybe that just changed.

But as I think of all of this I think of how stupid I am.  How after you told me no, I self-destructed.  I ran off and had rebound sex.  And then fucked up by doing the dumbest thing possible and having sex with your roommate.  My life has changed so significantly in a matter of weeks and my downward spiral needs to stop.  I need to get myself together.  Forget about you? Never. Get over you? Please. Soon.

I Knew

I knew.
I knew when I caught a glance of you dancing by the bar.
I knew when I grabbed your hand and you fell into me so easily.
I knew when you pressed your lips against mine with the perfect amount of pressure.
I knew when you smiled at me for the first time and ran your hand through your bright red hair.
I knew when you texted me back right away.
I knew when you walked into the malt shop.
I knew when I asked you "would you rather...".

I knew when you kept telling me you were busy.
I knew when you stopped texting me back.
I knew when I came over and it felt like a one night stand.
I knew when you said you were studying but then I ran into you at the bar.
I knew when I asked you to dance and you said no.
I knew when you agreed we needed to talk.
I knew when I sat awkwardly next to you, speechless.
I knew when I left your apartment on the verge of tears.
I knew.