Dandelion Seed

I was a dandelion seed dancing with the sky. You were the soil that helped me grow.
I was the sparkle in a child's eyes.  You were fingertips gliding across a banjo.
I was skydiving, mountain climbing, flying.  You were my ankle brace and my sling.

I was Boo. You were Sully.
I was the car that didn't check their blind spot.

I am huddling in a corner, while you are playing with your brand new dolls inside a fancy, new dollhouse.
I am that dog whimpering and gazing into the camera as Sarah McLachlan plays in the background. You are squash, guac, and broccoli served with all the options from the pop machine.
I am red faced, ears spewing steam. You don't know the difference between "their", "they're" and "there".
I am the pail that catches the puddles of tears my mother cries.  You are her tear ducts. A black cloud constantly hovering.  The voice in her head telling her she isn't worth anything.
I am a dandelion seed dancing in the sky. You are the soil that stunted my growth.

I Was Busy Thinking Bout Boys

So i'm at this point in my life where I don't know what I want in terms of a relationship.  I am young, so don't get me wrong, I know I have plenty of time.  My only concern is how uninterested and unsure I have become of all men.  My parents divorce and the way my father handled it definitely plays a role in my pessimistic view of men and relationships.  But most of it seems to come with my own insecurities and my experience in dating.

I have only ever seriously dated one person in my 23 years (sorry Dylan but I don't count our high school "relationship").  I know most people feel some animosity when they get out a relationship with someone and it is a common thing to hear, but I honestly don't know how I got in a relationship with this guy.  I believe it possibly stemmed from my insecurity and the fact that somebody was showing interest in wanting to be my boyfriend for the first time in my life.  At that time in my life I was feeling extra low self-confidence.  I had moved across the country; away from my friends and family and hadn't really found a place I really fit in.  I wasn't unhappy by any means, but something was missing. 

I was already sexually active at this point and had already experienced the heartache of believing many of the guys who told me they wanted more than just sex...and then proceeded to contradict themselves.  I had gotten my hopes up several times before I met my boyfriend so when I stumbled upon this average looking guy who was a little bit sketchy (yes he had a criminal record), I overlooked his flaws and applauded myself for not being quite as superficial because I was excited that someone was interested in me. ME.

Cut to the end of this 6 month relationship I found that I wasn't okay that he smoked weed constantly, he had a poor work ethic and even got fired from his job, not to mention I found out he had been messaging other girls behind my back and had swapped nudes with a girl we both worked with.  Only a few months in I realized I wasn't all that sexually attracted to him.  He was grabby, waking me up in the middle of the night by trying to touch me or hump me, and he made me feel bad when I didn't want to have sex with him...which resulted in me not want to have sex with him ever. To top it all off he stole my Ipod and messaged a guy asking him for nudes on my behalf. 

This guy was a horrible example of a first relationship...or maybe the best, because I got to see so many bad qualities about relationships and it formed my negative perspective of love and relationships. It has made me scared to even try to pursue anything in the future. Is there a decent human being out there that could possibly like me for my quirky and clumsy self?  Most of the time I don't think so, but hopefully I am wrong.