Monday, January 13, 2014
I thought I was okay with the fact that my uncle died. I mean lets be honest since my parents' divorce I haven't really seen or been associated with any of my dad's side of the family. But all of a sudden scrolling through Facebook I see pictures of him and the sad posts of my aunt and my cousins. In fact he had been struggling so much with his health, that I know everyone is glad he is out of his misery. Yet I lay here crying and full of sorrow, feeling much worse than I did when I got the news. I guess it all feels more real now. Death scares me because it is truly the end. No takebacksies. I will never see him again and despite our dwindled relationship, I think back to my childhood and it makes me miss everything even more. The fact that I even contacted my father today just goes to show how terrible I feel about this. My father. How can things have changed so much. Our father/daughter relationship has done a 180. He was my favorite and we did everything together and I truly was a "daddy's girl" (even had the shirt). But now my hate for him is so strong that I only go to him when I am at my weakest. To make matters worse I fear that since he is getting older and hasn't always had the best health, that I might lose him forever. And I am not ready for that. When did my life get so complicated? I blame this emotional breakdown on the movie "Stuck in Love". I have never connected so much with a movie. I know my life is so much different than that movie, but I related to it so much. I feel like a less rebellious version of Samantha Bergens. The way her parent's divorce ruined love for her. We both lost faith in love and are so guarded; afraid of getting hurt. Of course I haven't reached my happy ending like the movie did, I've never watched a movie that struck so much emotion in me. It has to be my new favorite movie, but now I lay here upset and unsure. Writing it all out helps though. Even if it is the shittiest writing ever; just my random thoughts ,it makes me feel better. I can only hope that someday there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel. That I will find my Louis/Logan Lerman. I know things will never be perfect because I am a realist, but I do hope that someday I can be happier than I am tonight.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
You were moody, semi-psychotic, a racist asshole, and a pussy. I was a junior in high school. You were a sophomore. When I broke up with you, I swore I hated you. Not enough to be mean to you, but enough that I thought I was insane for ever even considering you a boyfriend. And I did a good job at hating you for the rest of high school, but then I graduated and went away to college. We started talking again, I even consider you one of my best friends. Yet I can't shake that feeling that I miss you. That I just want to run up to you and kiss you so hard and passionate, like we never did when we were dating. Maybe I am caught up with the romanticism of all the TV i have been watching, maybe I am just desperate and wishing for someone to feel connected to. All I know is that these days I think about you a lot. I look forward to our conversations every night. Even though lately you have been talking about another girl, I still just love the feeling of being there for you. The way you like talking to me, and I like talking to you. It brings back feelings. Feelings of jealousy. And I finally have started looking back at the positives of our past. How similar we are. I have these stupid fantasies that we can be together. It's like a situation you would only see in movies. We have a physical relationship that no one knows about. It's almost your typical "friends with benefits" situation, except I don't have to take it as far as sex. I just want someone to care about me and be honest with me. We have fun together and tell each other everything. We give each other tips and such and instead of you being moody, we have to talk about it and make things better so you don't get in the kind of funk that you do. But in reality you asked her to homecoming today. I shouldn't be upset. It's not like I would be going. But I already really don't like that girl. Just another reason not to. I wish all of the best to you and I am glad you have found someone. But all I hope is that someday soon I can finally find a guy that I feel for and can return the feelings.