Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Almost Love

I am heartbroken in a way I have never been before.  I have started to hate myself for having these feelings.  Why am I so hung up on you? You probably don't even care.  In fact, I am certain you don't.

I just want to feel the touch of your skin against mine.  To see that smirk on your face and listen to "Say It" on repeat.  I want to hear you giggle because you are so high you are acting a little strange.  To hear you ask me "who's pussy is it?', because there is never another moment in time that I will find that expression not completely repulsive.

I don't understand how I got so attached.  Was it really that fast?  Maybe it is because I was a virgin before I met you.  But maybe it was just the way I could spend so many consecutive days with you.  Or the way you called me "Mighty Magz".  The fact that we actually talked to each other about our families and our interests.  That you were the first person who I got close enough to to actually think a relationship was possible.  I must be so hung up because I still even now feel like I can't be mad at you.  That you were so nice to me that I don't hate you and I still care.  That you gave me a hug last time I saw you and it broke my heart even more.  That today I picked up the Christmas gift I bought you, but you'll never get.

I want to know if this is what you planned all along.  If you ever really liked me even close to how much I like you.  If you meant it when you texted me you missed me.  If I was only ever sex to you.  Did you mean it when you said I was the only girl you looked at anymore?  Maybe you didn't.  Or maybe that just changed.

But as I think of all of this I think of how stupid I am.  How after you told me no, I self-destructed.  I ran off and had rebound sex.  And then fucked up by doing the dumbest thing possible and having sex with your roommate.  My life has changed so significantly in a matter of weeks and my downward spiral needs to stop.  I need to get myself together.  Forget about you? Never. Get over you? Please. Soon.

I Knew

Him 3 Months Ago:

I knew.
I knew when I caught a glance of you dancing by the bar.
I knew when I grabbed your hand and you fell into me so easily.
I knew when you pressed your lips against mine with the perfect amount of pressure.
I knew when you smiled at me for the first time and ran your hand through your bright red hair.
I knew when you texted me back right away.
I knew when you walked into the malt shop.
I knew when I asked you "would you rather...".

Me Now:

I knew when you kept telling me you were busy.
I knew when stopped texting me back.
I knew when I came over and it felt like a one night stand.
I knew when you said you were studying but I ran into you at the bar.
I knew when I asked you to dance and you said no.
I knew when you agreed we needed to talk.
I knew when I sat awkwardly next to you, speechless.
I knew when I left your apartment on the verge of tears.
I knew.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Don't Drink The Kool-aid

You're drinking the Kool-aid
and the Kool-aid is poisoned.

It's not your average poison.
It wont make you feel sick
It wont kill you.
It just changes you.

You're head becomes full of hot air.
You start to blend in with the crowd.
Your friends can't find you.
You start to say and do things
You never did before.

Who are you?
Where did you go?
I'm just a concerned friend
Who really wants to know.



Monday, January 13, 2014

1/13/14

I thought I was okay with the fact that my uncle died.  I mean lets be honest since my parents' divorce I haven't really seen or been associated with any of my dad's side of the family.  But all of a sudden scrolling through Facebook I see pictures of him and the sad posts of my aunt and my cousins.  In fact he had been struggling so much with his health, that I know everyone is glad he is out of his misery.  Yet I lay here crying and full of sorrow, feeling much worse than I did when I got the news.  I guess it all feels more real now.  Death scares me because it is truly the end.  No takebacksies.  I will never see him again and despite our dwindled relationship, I think back to my childhood and it makes me miss everything even more.  The fact that I even contacted my father today just goes to show how terrible I feel about this.  My father.  How can things have changed so much.  Our father/daughter relationship has done a 180.  He was my favorite and we did everything together and I truly was a "daddy's girl" (even had the shirt).  But now my hate for him is so strong that I only go to him when I am at my weakest.  To make matters worse I fear that since he is getting older and hasn't always had the best health, that I might lose him forever.  And I am not ready for that.  When did my life get so complicated?  I blame this emotional breakdown on the movie "Stuck in Love".  I have never connected so much with a movie.  I know my life is so much different than that movie, but I related to it so much.  I feel like a less rebellious version of Samantha Bergens.  The way her parent's divorce ruined love for her.  We both lost faith in love and are so guarded; afraid of getting hurt.  Of course I haven't reached my happy ending like the movie did, I've never watched a movie that struck so much emotion in me.  It has to be my new favorite movie, but now I lay here upset and unsure.  Writing it all out helps though.  Even if it is the shittiest writing ever; just my random thoughts ,it makes me feel better.  I can only hope that someday there will be a light at the end of this dark tunnel.  That I will find my Louis/Logan Lerman.  I know things will never be perfect because I am a realist, but I do hope that someday I can be happier than I am tonight.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

You were moody, semi-psychotic, a racist asshole, and a pussy.  I was a junior in high school.  You were a sophomore.  When I broke up with you, I swore I hated you.  Not enough to be mean to you, but enough that I thought I was insane for ever even considering you a boyfriend.  And I did a good job at hating you for the rest of high school, but then I graduated and went away to college.  We started talking again, I even consider you one of my best friends.  Yet I can't shake that feeling that I miss you.  That I just want to run up to you and kiss you so hard and passionate, like we never did when we were dating.  Maybe I am caught up with the romanticism of all the TV i have been watching, maybe I am just desperate and wishing for someone to feel connected to.  All I know is that these days I think about you a lot.  I look forward to our conversations every night.  Even though lately you have been talking about another girl, I still just love the feeling of being there for you.  The way you like talking to me, and I like talking to you.  It brings back feelings.  Feelings of jealousy.  And I finally have started looking back at the positives of our past.  How similar we are.  I have these stupid fantasies that we can be together.  It's like a situation you would only see in movies.  We have a physical relationship that no one knows about.  It's almost your typical "friends with benefits" situation, except I don't have to take it as far as sex.  I just want someone to care about me and be honest with me.  We have fun together and tell each other everything.  We give each other tips and such and instead of you being moody, we have to talk about it and make things better so you don't get in the kind of funk that you do.  But in reality you asked her to homecoming today.  I shouldn't be upset.  It's not like I would be going.  But I already really don't like that girl.  Just another reason not to.  I wish all of the best to you and I am glad you have found someone.  But all I hope is that someday soon I can finally find a guy that I feel for and can return the feelings.